“Consider the Lilies”
Throughout much of my life, I have struggled with depression. I felt robbed of my teenage years and early twenties as I saw everything through the all-encompassing lens of depression, overcome by despair, feelings of worthlessness, and suicidal thoughts. In Battle Ready Podcast- Mental Health, Erwin McManus explains that when a person breaks down, they never become overwhelmingly loving or infinitely empathetic. When we break down, it’s as though we traumatize the best parts of us, so what we are left with is the worst of us (McManus, E. M. + A., 2017). This rings true in my life as I lost myself and felt that there was no good in me. With every day that I would cry out to God with no reply, I became more bitter and angry, pushing away everyone who loved me, including God. Isolation is so common in people who struggle with depression, in that we want to shut everybody out when we need them the most because we feel that we are a burden. By doing this, however, we shut out the very people who can speak life into us and can fight for us when we don’t have the energy or capacity to fight for ourselves. This is why it is so important to confide in even one trusted person the struggle that you are facing.
When I was in the thick of my depression, I didn’t want to hear that my thoughts were deceiving me because I was fully convinced that what I believed was right and that I was seeing things clearly for the first time. I was convinced that I was alone in my suffering and that nobody understood, but that was because I was alone. I lacked the mental capacity to pray or read my Bible anymore, and in my disdain towards God, I had no desire to. Allowing people in who told me what scripture says about me, even when I didn’t want to hear it, was crucial for me. Slowly, over time, it started to internalize. The misconceptions, anger, and bitterness that I harbored towards God gradually went away. As I eventually read the Bible for myself again, I grew in knowledge of how God truly sees me and His true character. Scripture says that we are precious and honored in his eyes (Isaiah 43:4), that we are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14), that when we were saved, we were made new in Him (2 Corinthians 5:17), that we are His workmanship (Ephesians 2:10), that he takes delight in us (Psalm 18:19, 149:4, Zephaniah 3:17), and so much more. When our thoughts of ourselves align with how the Lord sees us, these negative outcomes and thoughts that have plagued our minds do not prevail (McManus, E. M. + A., 2017).
For much of the time I was struggling, people with good intentions would try to give me advice by saying to read my bible more or saying that I do not have enough faith or have unresolved sin. This put me into a deeper spiral of self-hatred and blaming myself for being trapped by the weight of this illness, as well as blaming God for not taking it away from me. Although I have heard so many miraculous stories about people being healed of their mental health issues instantly, this was not my story. It took me a decade to come to the other side of it, no longer having to battle it as a daily struggle. As I studied and learned what the Bible says regarding depression, I took comfort in the fact that I was not struggling because I did something wrong, like I have been told, but because I am human, and that many prominent figures in the Bible struggled with mental health as well.
Moses asked God to take his life, feeling the weight of self-doubt in leading the people of Israel out of captivity (Numbers 11:15). Hannah faced despair and grief over the fact that she could not bear a son (1 Samuel 1:8-10). Elijah, in the face of fear, asked God to end his life (1 Kings 19). Job cursed the day he was born (Job 3:11; 10:1), described the immeasurable weight of his grief (Job 6:2-3), expressed his views of life being meaningless and futile (Job 7), and expressed feelings of abandonment as he cried out to God and received no answer (Job 30). We can see in the Psalms that David battled deep despair in the Psalms of lament, as well as Heman’s downcast soul in Psalm 88. Jeremiah, the “weeping prophet,” expressed his great sorrow over the state of Israel, cursing his very life (Jeremiah 20:14-18). God never condemned them for the way they were feeling, but took their brokenness and gave it purpose. He refined and grew them in character and humility, and taught them to be fully dependent on the Lord, who is the only true source of meaning and purpose. In the Battle Ready Podcast- Mental Health, Erwin McManus states, “The more damage you allow to your soul, the longer it takes for God to heal you because it is a deep, honest, and authentic work that He is doing for you” (McManus, E. M. + A., 2017). In hindsight, I realized the reason that God allowed me to be left with the worst parts of myself was to be forced to face them head-on and to become who he created me to be. It forced me to come to the end of myself and realize that I can’t do life without Him, and I wasn’t created to. I am now thankful for the journey because I can see how much God has grown me through it.
While going through depression, Matthew 6:25-34 has been a passage of comfort for me. It states:
“For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap, nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? And who of you, by being worried, can add a single hour to his life? And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith! Do not worry then, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear for clothing?’ For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.“So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
Through this passage, Jesus states that we do not have to worry or be hopeless about the future because the Lord is in control. He feeds the birds of the air, he makes sure the lilies of the field grow, and how much more valuable are you than they are? When your life is in chaos, and you see no good in your future, the Lord sees the big picture and works all things for your good, even when it seems impossible. For those of you struggling with your mental health, I encourage you to invite Jesus into your circumstances. Though physical healing is not guaranteed in this life, He can bring rest to your soul and the strength to keep fighting another day. He will never leave you nor forsake you, and He is with you in the midst of your suffering. As someone who did not think I would even live to see twenty, I am so glad I stayed, and the Lord has truly saved my life. He values you, He loves you, He has you here for a reason, and He will redeem what is broken in His perfect timing.
If you have not accepted Jesus as your Savior, you are never too broken to come to Him. He loves you despite all of your shortcomings and imperfections and desires a relationship with you. All you must do is come to Him in prayer. This involves repenting and turning away from your sin, confessing that “Jesus is Lord” and believing in your heart that God raised Him from the dead to save you (Romans 10:9). Through salvation in Christ, you are declared righteous before God and are adopted into His family. All you must do is accept this free gift He has given you, and follow Him. Jesus says, “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:28-30). You were not made to carry your burdens alone, so come to Him and find rest for your weary soul.
References
McManus, E. M. + A. (2017, November 14). Mental health – S01E02 – Battle Ready with Erwin & Aaron McManus. Youtube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aRYdKFqu0wk
NASB: New American Standard Bible. Foundation Publications, Publisher for the Lockman Foundation, 2020
